~Nothin of the Ordinary~

Thursday, December 23, 2004

This is my worst Christmas ever.. For the past 17 years, I've never felt this fucked up. Every single thing that happened this year really brought chaos in my once oh-so smooth sailing life. I've experienced all sorts of deception a homo sapien can take; from a boyfriend, friend, pretending to be my friend and even someone I don't know. Maybe that Feng Shui expert did make sense,,, it's the year of the monkey and he said that monkeys are very sly. It's like this, when you think that everything is going so well in your life, all of a sudden, destiny drops its bomb and surprises you that all things are going exactly the opposite way as you planned them. I think i hit my lowest point this year, I really feel like shit.

I used to think that it's all just mind over matter. Use you head and everything will be fine. Learn to control your emotions. Never let people penetrate your being. "BE STRONG" that's what I used to tell myself. It's funny coz I feel like a guy who never cries in front of people as long as he can take it. control. control. control. I never let anyone get the satisfaction of hurting me in any way. If he did, well, he won't ever know it. Finally last night, the cork popped. My pressure can't seem to stop rising. It's as if every pent up emotion i had kept on flowing continuously. I cried for 5 hours straight. (Can you imagine how beautiful I am today with my eyes bulging on all sides?..grr)

I hope that years from now, I'd thank this year and all its crap that made me a better, wiser and stronger person.

Tonight is Christmas eve yet I feel as if it's just an ordinary day. Someone once said that people are like teabags that when put in hot water, its real strength comes out. So when problems beset me, well maybe, I'm just God's favorite cup of tea..

Geez..I hope He gets tired of me soon..

lost in thought at 9:24 PM